Too Tired to Write

Though things really are going well for Kelby, I find it hard to sit down and write for the website. There are only so many things you can say about the things we are going through. Yes, I feel strong most of the time...because I can't see anything physically wrong at this moment, but there are many times that I don't feel strong at all. It is only fair that you should all know that. What normally happens is that I struggle with thoughts and feelings, doubts and fears...until in my quites times or otherwise I come to some conclusion about all those feelings. That conclusion is the part you hear here. So, it seems that I am always "so strong" or what not, but I just tend to share most when I am doing best. It's certainly not me trying to act or be fake about our situation. It's just that I open the window on my life to you after I think I've finally figured something out. I feel better when I have some kind of word of wisdom for you all.

Kelby only has four treatments left. I think she'll be really disappointed when she doesn't get to "get dizzy" anymore. We might have a little addict on our hands.

Kelby and I have been talking a lot lately about God's two most important commandments...to love God with all our hearts...and to love our neighbors. In that context we've decided that smiling at others and having good manners is a great way to show others that we love them. It sure has worked at the hospital. She gives great big smiles to everyone and gets a great response from them. Grumpy looking people will suddenly become happy when she strolls by. The nurse said she could tell that Kelby was a very special girl...and the anesthesiologist noted what a positive girl she was. The man at the reception area commented on what a wonderful personality she has. It has been great for her self esteem...she loves to be noticed and appreciated...but it has also proved to her the power of the smile, that it is contagious, and that it makes a big difference. I challenge all of you to do the same thing. Realizing that God loves each person that passes you by gives you a reason to smile at them. It just might make a huge difference in their day...heck, it will probaly make a HUGE difference in your day.

Then there was worry...I'd like to say that I never worry. I try not to worry, but I'm not always successful. Now that we know that there is cancer in her little body again, I suppose that every little ache and pain will throw me into a spin. That's only fair right? Fair, I suppose, but not what is healthiest. By sharing these things with you I am by no means giving you permission to worry about her. That is MY job and I can do it plenty well on my own. Your job is to mention her specifically in your prayers. Remeber that...you are not allowed to worry! Kelby has said a few weird things about her back lately. She said her "legs hurt when she walks hard" and that her "back hurts when we drive up hills." Well, that's pretty specific isn't it. I guess we'll avoid walking hard and going up hills. She says her back hurts when I rub it too, and she won't let me do it. We'll be keep an eye on that for now. If it gets worse then they'll get concerned. Otherwise right now it bothers me more than it bothers her. The fact that the cancer was just in her arm had me feeling pretty calm...but if it has already spread to other places, my imagination might start to take me to different places. I still trust her to God's plan, I just don't know what that plan is and so I begin to imagine the possibilities. I do know that I need to walk with my eyes on today. "Baby Steps." When the Israelites were in the desert after God saved them from the control of Eqypt, God gave them a pillar of fire and cloud. It guided them day and night through the desert. When it stopped, they stopped...when it moved, they moved. They didn't know before hand what God was going to have them do...yet they followed. Well, this is my desert. I am looking to God as my pillar...I must do the same thing. Rest when He rests and move when He moves. I trust that He knows where we are going and that He will protect me during the journey. Again, remember that you are hearing a resolution here that has taken me days or months or years to come to...I don't just come up with this stuff on the fly out of thin air...I'm not that good. Do remember though that when you seek God in these times, He does reveal to you the things you need to get through. He is Awesome! We all have deserts that we need to allow God to be our pillar of cloud and fire to get us through. Really this whole life is the desert. Our "promised land" is heaven. I'm going to turn it around on you now. What are your deserts? Are you paying attention to the directions God would lead you in or just wandering around aimlessly?

This week of radiation has gone by fast. I have been very tired driving home, but yesterday a can of Coke was my remedy. We didn't have any radiation on Monday, but Tuesday was a tough day. We had to go to Children's after radiation for a check up with Kelby's oncolgist. I should have asked "why", before hand, but I just figured it would be no big deal since we were down there anyways. I guess because I was 15 minutes late for the appointment (due to a back up in radiation), they decided to punish me. You'd think that you might have to wait in the "waiting" room but that once you got checked in and put in a exam room you would then be "examined." We sat there with no checking from anyone for an HOUR before the doctor came. I even went out and asked a couple times when we could expect doctor, but no word came. When she finally got there (you'll love this) she spent no more than 5 minutes with us and was gone with a cheerful..."see you next week" while she forgot to say "sorry you had to wait so long." I'm not bitter...really (feel free to read this with the intended sarcasism.) Let's just say that I really, really miss our Group Health doctors. We are lost in a big crowd at Children's...and that's a large crowd of very sick and sad children and parents. So, we must have sympathy for them and realize that the doctor was doing something else very important while we were being ignored I'm sure. But that doesn't make it any easier on me when my blood begins to boil and I can't even say anything for fear that anger will spill out. I called yesterday in hopes that a social worker (that should have called us weeks ago) would call us soon. I need resources on the hospital and support groups but haven't heard anything. I think since our original treatment was done at a different hospital, we missed out on getting introduced to the Children's system. They have assumed that we know what we are doing because we have gone through this before, but we don't...I basically can't remember. It has been TWO years...and 3 1/2 years since we were originally diagnosed at Children's. Hopefully we'll get this part of things figured out soon. Feel free to email me if you have any incite to this part of things.

I think that writing here is therapeutic for me. I might as well use it more often rather then get a therapist. I hope that nobody is overwhelmed or annoyed by these updates. We definitely appreciate that people are checking in and leaving messages in the guestbook. I love to hear words from you all. I would like to meet and get email from other families going through this. We have lost touch with most of the families we knew that were going through this. So, if you have a child with cancer and are interested and especially if you live around the Skagit Valley, please drop me a note by email so I can write you back. My address is shawnaw@mikrowiz.com.